I don’t know what people see when they look at me, but I know what they don’t see.
When people look at me they don’t see the sixteen-year-old girl who was afraid to go home from summer camp because her mother and her mother’s boyfriend abused her.
When people look at me they don’t see the high school student who struggled with an eating disorder.
When people look at me they don’t see the nine year old girl found out that the man she has called “daddy” all of her life isn’t her biological father.
When people look at me they don’t see the high school senior who almost ran away to California with her boyfriend after graduation.
When people look at me they don’t see the nervous eighteen year old who sat in a Starbucks waiting to meet her dad who she hadn’t seen in nine years.
When people look at me they don’t see the college freshmen whose step-mom kicked her out of the house because of her sexuality.
When people look at me they don’t see the emotional damage caused by growing up in a church where questions weren’t allowed, where fear and hate were constantly preached from the pulpit, where children were taught that God’s love is conditional.
When people look at me they don’t see the twenty year old college junior who more than anything in the world just wants to sit down and eat dinner with her family at their new house which she has never seen.
What about God? What does God see when she looks at me?
When God looks at me she doesn’t see the girl who didn’t believe in her for four years. She doesn’t see the girl who spent countless Sunday’s going through the motions. When God looks at me she doesn’t see the girl who forgets to pray, who doesn’t read her Bible everyday. When God looks at me she doesn’t see the girl who can be very judgmental and has temper that can be very scary for the person on the receiving end.
In his song, I Am New, Jason Gray says,
I am not who I was I’m being remade. I am new. I am chosen and holy and I’m dearly loved. I am new…Forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ, made in the image of the giver of life. Righteous and holy, reborn and remade accepted and worthy this is our new name.
When God looks at me she sees the college student who is loud and opinionated. When God looks at me she sees the future college graduate, the future pastor, and the future mother. Most importantly when God looks at me she sees her daughter whom she loves unconditionally.
Today I am getting baptized. Today I am showing the world that I am ready to take part in something greater than myself. Today I am joining the church. Today I am joining a new family full of people who support me and encourage me. Today I am joining a new family where I am not judged and where I don’t have to fear being kicked out.
Today God and the world are seeing a twenty year old college junior show the world she is ready to be a part of something greater than herself, by getting baptized. Today God and the world are seeing me get baptized because after struggling for many years I am finally in an amazing, loving relationship with God.
Today God and the world are seeing me become a part of a huge family that supports and encourages me. Today God and the world are seeing me join a huge family that will never disown me and that will always welcome me home with open arms.
