Lost For Words

No matter how hard I try I cannot find the words to describe what I am feeling today. I am one of those people who believes in letting the music speak when I cannot so I compiled some quotes that in some way describe at least a little of what I am feeling.

"Oh come desire of nations bind/ In one the hearts of all mankind/Bid thou our sad divisions cease/ And be thyself our King of Peace/ Rejoice Rejoice/ Emmanuel shall come to thee o Israel" Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel

"These are the hands that built the mountains/ the hands that calm the seas/ These are the arms that hold the heavens/ they are holding you and me/ These are the hands that healed the leper/ Pulled the lame up to their feet/ These are the arms that were nailed to a cross/ to break our chains and set us free" Safe (Phil Wickham)

"This is love, this is hate/ We got a choice to make/ Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart/ We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought/ Pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground/ We build our bridges up just to burn them down/ We think pain's owed apologies and then it'll stop/ Truth be told, it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not/ Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound/ Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down" Loosing (Tenth Avenue North)

"Take my life and let it be/ consecrated, Lord, to Thee/ take my moments and my days/ Let them flow in endless praise/ Take my hands and let them move/ At the impulse of Thy love/ Take my feet and let them be/ Swift and beautiful for thee/ Take my voice and let me sing/ always, only for my King/ Take my lips and let them be/ filled with messages from Thee." Take My Life

"And the arms that hold the universe/ are holding you tonight/ you can rest inside/ it's gonna be alright/ and the voice that calmed the raging sea/ is calling you His child/ So be still and know He's in control/ He will never let you go" Arms That Hold the Universe (Fee)

"You are peace You are peace/ When my fear is crippling  You are true You are true/ Even in my wandering/ You are joy You are joy/ You're the reason that I sing/ You are life You are life/ In You death has lost it's sting/ Oh I'm running to Your arms/ I'm running to your arms/ The riches of your love/ Will always be enough/ Nothing compares to your embrace/ Light of the world forever reign" Forever Reign (Hillsong)

"And love will hold us together/ Make us a shelter to weather the storm/ And I'll be my brother's keeper/ So the whole world will know that we're not alone." Hold Us Together (Matt Maher)

"Yes, I am Almighty God your Father/ the Risen Son of Man/ the healer of the broken/ and when you cry/ I am your savior and redeemer/ Who bore the sins of man. The Author and Perfecter/ Beginning and the End/ I am" I Am (Mark Schultz)

"All around/ Hope is springing up from this old ground/ Out of chaos life is being found in You/ You make beautiful/ You make beautiful things out of the dust/ You make beautiful things/ You make beautiful things out of us." Beautiful Things (Gungor)

go in PEACE. live PEACE. be PEACE.

All That Matters

So this Sunday marks two years in the UCC, which also means that I have been trying to figure out what it means to be a Christian and how I can be a Christian for three and a half years. Well, I guess I have been trying to figure out the Christian thing for a while but it was more so I could so what I was not. Now I am trying to figure it out so I can say what I am.

I have learned a lot about Church and what it means to the Body of Christ in today’s world.  I have had really positive church experiences and some really not so fantastic experiences. But there have been some constants in all of it and for those few people I am eternally grateful.

I think that the best way to share what I have learned is just to make a list. Some of things are a little silly but, they are all true.

 1.     Church + Beer = Good

2.     Youth lock-ins are fun but don’t fall asleep with your computer open.

3.     You cannot always trust church leaders. They can make mistakes too.

4.     Challenge the status quo. Regardless of what you think will happen. Jesus calls us to speak out against oppression.

5.     If you see something you don’t like…say something! Don’t sit there and just accept everything.

6.     Not everyone is going to like you.  Get over it.

7.     People +Church Basement= Revolution (I stole this one from the pastor of FPC Allentown)

8.     Don’t give up hope. After all, “Jesus calls the not good enoughs.”

9.     It is ok to say “No” when asked to do something. If you always say “Yes” people will take advantage of you.

10.   Ecumenical events are the best places to meet people.

11.  “Love Wins.”

12.  Don’t give up on people.

13.  Don’t end a friendship just because someone is no longer at the church (this is the most important thing I have learned).

14.  Sing in the choir at least once.

15.  Serve communion as often as possible.

16.  Communion by intinction is the best.

17.  The offering does not need to be a part of the service. Personally I don’t like it as part of the service.

18.  Dogs should be allowed to go to church.

19.  Beanbag chairs make everything better.

20.  The church is not confined to the four walls of the sanctuary.

This isn’t everything I have learned and I know that I will learn a lot more, but for now this is where I am.

I believe that Jesus calls us to challenge the status quo because if we instinctively have a problem with something there is probably something wrong. I believe that as part of the God movement we are called to bring hope to the world. I believe that as part of the God movement we are called to speak for the voiceless.

I believe in Harry Potter quotes.

1.     “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” Sirius Black

2.     “It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.” Dumbledore

3.     “Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is what and what is east.” Dumbledore

4.     “It’s our choices, Harry, that show is who we truly are, far more than our abilities.” Dumbledore

I believe in what Rev. Martin Luther King said:

1.     “Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence, but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shot a man, but you refuse to hate him.”

2.     “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in times of comfort, but where he stands at time of challenge and controversy.”

That is what I believe. You might not agree with me and that is great. In fact I would be concerned if you agreed with me 100%. What matters, all that ever has mattered, and all that will ever matter, is this; “Perfect love casts out fear.”

go in PEACE. live PEACE. be PEACE.

*please pardon the format. i don't get it either.*

Alive!

I came across this on Facebook today. I don't normally talk about my struggle with Endometriosis but I think that this really sums up some of my days. Read the letter (if you want) and then I wrote a little something after it about finding God in my struggle. 

"A LETTER TO THE HEALTHY WORLD FROM THE LAND OF CHRONIC PAIN AND FATIGUE

If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me, but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ENDOMETRIOSIS
~ Endometriosis is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't even new.
~ The many physical and emotional problems associated with Endometriosis are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disease. In fact, the American Medical Association recognizes Endometriosis as a major cause of disability.
~ Diseases like Endometriosis strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME
~ My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation and sometimes it is. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me or sometimes it will. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my abdomen, but tomorrow it may be in my back, stomach or be gone. It is not well understood, but it is real.
~ My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my body beyond it's capability.
~ My immune system - My body is constantly fighting the Endometriosis, which means it is less equipped to deal with simple things, like the common cold. Because of this, I catch every virus that I come into contact with, and while it may have just been a stuffy nose to you, I will likely become very ill. Colds & flu take months for me to recover from, instead of days or weeks that it takes someone like you.
~ My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it. I may get motion sick, or lightheaded in cars or in large groups of people. I cannot tolerate drastic changes to my environment. No, I am not a 'drama queen'. I would give anything to not to be so affected by these things that others see as trivial.
~ My mood swings - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from Endometriosis as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.
~ My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I am not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.
~ My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue and a disease with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.
~ My uniqueness (i edited this from the original letter. this is truly my uniqueness) - Even those who suffer from Endometriosis are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. My legs and my lower back hurt everyday. There are days that my toes hurt. There are days when I wake up and I'm fine and then after sitting in class for an hour I can barely move. There are days that I cannot get out of bed. Right now at 7:44 PM on Sunday Dec 2nd my legs are killing me, I am befriending a bottle of extra strength tums, and all I want to do is sleep but I can't because I have a speech to write and a history final to study for."


I was diagnosed in June of 2011. I don't tell people that I am sick because they don't understand it. I don't tell people that I am sick because I have a fear of being treated like a child who needs help doing everything. The truth is I am a fighter. I always have been and I always will be. I woke up today and the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed, but I did. I got out of bed, I went to church, and I went to a Christmas party. I smiled through the pain. I held back the tears (at least until I was in the car). Tomorrow I will get up and go to class. Tuesday I will get up and take a history final. Everyday I WILL get out of bed. Every morning when my feet hit the floor I thank God. I thank God for having legs because even though they hurt I have two legs. I thank God for my messed up G.I system because needing tums means that I am lucky enough to have food. Endo is not a curse. Endo is not a death sentence. I might have Stage II Endometriosis but Stage II Endometriosis does NOT have me. I plan on taking my Endo to seminary with me and I plan on taking it to my ordination. I thank God each day I take my Endo somewhere because it means that I am ALIVE. "I'm trading my sickness/I'm trading my pain/I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord" (Trading My Sorrows)

go in PEACE. live PEACE. be PEACE. 

Thanksgiving 2012

Today Facebook is covered in status of people being grateful for their families. My grandfather died two days ago and I can’t help but think about my family and what family means to me.

Family (dictionary.com): a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

b.

a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.

2.

the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.

3.

the spouse and children of one person: We're taking the family on vacation next week.

4.

any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

5.

all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.

The thing is none of these definitions work for me. Three years ago, two days after Thanksgiving my dad and my step-mom kicked me out of my family because of my sexuality. The rest of my family followed their lead and I have spent the past two years creating a new family.

My definition of family is a little different than the one put forth by dictionary.com

Family: A group of people closely related by love

This year I am thankful for the people who have come into my life and for all of the experiences I have had both the good and the bad.  This year I am thankful for nonconventional families.

This year I am thankful for my nontraditional family. Geoff, Sara, Doug, Maria, Dale, and LouLou thanks for accepting me unconditionally and for being the best family I could possibly ask for.

On Earth

“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.

 Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
 And lead us not into temptation,
    but deliver us from evil.” (Matthew 6:9-13 ESV)

Notice the words, “your kingdom come, your will be done on Earth” On Earth. That chunk of rock in space that we just happen to live on.

So what does it mean to create the Kingdom of God on Earth? What would it look like if the Church Universal worked together to create the Kingdom of God on Earth?

I wonder what would happen if the Church stopped making the purpose of Church attendance and money and made the purpose of the Church community and restoration.  I wonder if attendance would just naturally increase if the Church left the four walls of the sanctuary and became active in the community. I wonder what would happen of the Church Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor as yourself” seriously. I wonder what would happen if the Church took seriously its charge to care for the Earth. I wonder what would happen if the church stopped serving structures and started serving people.

After all Jesus said, “If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.” (Mark 9:35 ESV) and “ It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:26-28 ESV).

In his book, “If the Church Were Christian” Philip Gulley says, “In the first story of the Bible, after God created the world, God gave humans the responsibility of caring for it. Old gospel tunes not withstanding, this world is our home and our responsibility. To shirk that duty in order to focus on a world we have no verifiable proof even exists is misguided. Yet many Christians still contend that preparing people for an afterlife should be the church’s chief priority and willingly commit much energy and money securing entry to heaven even as people suffer and starve for lack of basic necessities.”

It is almost Advent. I love Advent/Christmas/ Epiphany. The reason for my love is hope. Jesus came to restore our broken world. Jesus actively brought the Kingdom of God to Earth. This Jewish Rabbi understood that Heaven is not only this far off place, but that it could be a present reality. As a follower of “The Way” I am committed to bringing the Kingdom of God to Earth.

I want to leave you with some lyrics from one of my favorite songs, “You gave your life to make a difference.  You gave your life to make a change.  You welcome all to your table, you’re calling us to do the same.  I want my life to make a difference.  I want my life to make change.  I want my life to do some good here.  I want my life to make change.” Rachel Kurtz- Make A Difference

go in PEACE. live PEACE. be PEACE. 

"For Good"

The past few weeks have been challenging to say the least. I have learned a lot. I have struggled a lot. I have cried a lot. Most importantly I have argued with God a lot.

Growing up in the Evangelical church I was taught to blindly trust God. From a young age I was taught to never question God. For years this was the model that I followed. Then I realized that it is ok to get angry with God. It is ok to yell at God. It is ok to question God. I have come to learn that questioning frees us. Questioning allows us to challenge the status quo.  Questioning allows us to struggle and be broken. Question allows our wounds to be healed.

In these past few weeks I was reminded that no church is perfect. I was reminded that I cannot save everyone from everything. I was reminded that forgiveness is central to the God movement. I was reminded that as part of the God movement we are called to challenge the status quo. I was reminded of these words from Rev.Martin Luther King Jr. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

We all have choices to make. No matter what the situation is we always have choices to make. I have made the choice to keep a promise that I made to a dying man whom I admire and respect. I have made the choice to fix a broken friendship. I have made the choice to not agree with the status quo. I have made the choice to stand with the outcast.

I struggled with my choices. I argued with God and seriously debated about not going to seminary. Then I realized that God calls us to change the stereotypes about the Church. God calls us to break down the walls. God calls us to revolt against oppression in all of its forms.

So I am taking a stand for the “least of these”. I am taking a stand for the dying man that I promised to love and support no matter what. I have made the choice to forgive and be forgiven. I am challenging the status quo. I am part of the God movement. I am choosing to serve people over systems of power.

Jesus constantly challenges the status quo of the Roman Empire. In his book “Speaking Christian”, Marcus Borg puts it this way (these quotes come from different parts of the book):

“So they killed him- in a very public way. If they had simply wanted to get rid of him, they could have killed him in a back alley or cell. But they crucified him-a very public and prolonged form of execution deliberately designed to be seen and be a deterrent. Its message was clear: "This is what happens when you challenge us." But when Jesus's death is seen as part of God's plan so that our sins can be forgiven, all of this historical meaning disappears. Jesus' death is domesticated by obscuring the fact that he was killed by the powers that ruled his world. They killed him, but they didn't do it so that he could die for our sins.”

“He was known (and criticized) for his association with marginalized people, often called "tax collectors and sinners" in the Gospels."

"He was known (and criticized) for his inclusive meal practice. In a society where sharing a meal meant acceptance of those with whom he ate, he ate not only with the peasants, but also with those commonly seen as outcasts, virtual untouchables."

"Caesar as savior meant one who brought peace through military victory and power. Jesus as savior meant one who brings peace on earth through justice and nonviolence."

Jesus constantly challenged the status quo. He healed leapers, spent time with whores and tax collectors. He loved the “least of these” and not only did he love the “least of these” as a homeless man Jesus was a “least of these”.

My hope for the future of the Church is that eventually the “Power of love will overcome the love of power”, that the phrase “No matter who you are or where you are on life’s journey you are welcome here” will really be true, and that the walls the church has spent centuries building up will come crashing down.

My prayer for the past few weeks has been a song (because sometimes music speaks when words fail)
“ I'm limited Just look at me - I'm limited And just look at you You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda So now it's up to you For both of us - now it's up to you...I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you... Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you I have been changed for good It well may be That we will never meet again In this lifetime So let me say before we part So much of me Is made from what I learned from you You'll be with me Like a handprint on my heart And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine By being my friend... Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a skybird In a distant wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you Because I knew you I have been changed for good And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness For the things I've done you blame me for But then, I guess we know There's blame to share (Both):  And none of it seems to matter anymore Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood Who can say if I've been  Changed for the better? I do believe I have been Changed for the better And because I knew you... Because I knew you... Because I knew you... I have been changed for good...” For Good (Wicked)

go in PEACE. live PEACE. be Peace.