No matter how hard I try I cannot find the words to describe what I am feeling today. I am one of those people who believes in letting the music speak when I cannot so I compiled some quotes that in some way describe at least a little of what I am feeling.
"Oh come desire of nations bind/ In one the hearts of all mankind/Bid thou our sad divisions cease/ And be thyself our King of Peace/ Rejoice Rejoice/ Emmanuel shall come to thee o Israel" Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel
"These are the hands that built the mountains/ the hands that calm the seas/ These are the arms that hold the heavens/ they are holding you and me/ These are the hands that healed the leper/ Pulled the lame up to their feet/ These are the arms that were nailed to a cross/ to break our chains and set us free" Safe (Phil Wickham)
"This is love, this is hate/ We got a choice to make/ Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart/ We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought/ Pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground/ We build our bridges up just to burn them down/ We think pain's owed apologies and then it'll stop/ Truth be told, it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not/ Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound/ Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down" Loosing (Tenth Avenue North)
"Take my life and let it be/ consecrated, Lord, to Thee/ take my moments and my days/ Let them flow in endless praise/ Take my hands and let them move/ At the impulse of Thy love/ Take my feet and let them be/ Swift and beautiful for thee/ Take my voice and let me sing/ always, only for my King/ Take my lips and let them be/ filled with messages from Thee." Take My Life
"And the arms that hold the universe/ are holding you tonight/ you can rest inside/ it's gonna be alright/ and the voice that calmed the raging sea/ is calling you His child/ So be still and know He's in control/ He will never let you go" Arms That Hold the Universe (Fee)
"You are peace You are peace/ When my fear is crippling You are true You are true/ Even in my wandering/ You are joy You are joy/ You're the reason that I sing/ You are life You are life/ In You death has lost it's sting/ Oh I'm running to Your arms/ I'm running to your arms/ The riches of your love/ Will always be enough/ Nothing compares to your embrace/ Light of the world forever reign" Forever Reign (Hillsong)
"And love will hold us together/ Make us a shelter to weather the storm/ And I'll be my brother's keeper/ So the whole world will know that we're not alone." Hold Us Together (Matt Maher)
"Yes, I am Almighty God your Father/ the Risen Son of Man/ the healer of the broken/ and when you cry/ I am your savior and redeemer/ Who bore the sins of man. The Author and Perfecter/ Beginning and the End/ I am" I Am (Mark Schultz)
"All around/ Hope is springing up from this old ground/ Out of chaos life is being found in You/ You make beautiful/ You make beautiful things out of the dust/ You make beautiful things/ You make beautiful things out of us." Beautiful Things (Gungor)
go in PEACE. live PEACE. be PEACE.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
All That Matters
So this Sunday
marks two years in the UCC, which also means that I have been trying to figure
out what it means to be a Christian and how I can be a Christian for three and
a half years. Well, I guess I have been trying to figure out the Christian
thing for a while but it was more so I could so what I was not. Now I am trying
to figure it out so I can say what I am.
I have learned a
lot about Church and what it means to the Body of Christ in today’s world. I have had really positive church experiences
and some really not so fantastic experiences. But there have been some
constants in all of it and for those few people I am eternally grateful.
I think that the
best way to share what I have learned is just to make a list. Some of things
are a little silly but, they are all true.
1.
Church
+ Beer = Good
2.
Youth
lock-ins are fun but don’t fall asleep with your computer open.
3.
You
cannot always trust church leaders. They can make mistakes too.
4.
Challenge
the status quo. Regardless of what you think will happen. Jesus calls us to
speak out against oppression.
5.
If
you see something you don’t like…say something! Don’t sit there and just accept
everything.
6.
Not
everyone is going to like you. Get over
it.
7.
People
+Church Basement= Revolution (I stole this one from the pastor of FPC
Allentown)
8.
Don’t
give up hope. After all, “Jesus calls the not good enoughs.”
9.
It
is ok to say “No” when asked to do something. If you always say “Yes” people
will take advantage of you.
10. Ecumenical
events are the best places to meet people.
11. “Love Wins.”
12. Don’t give up on people.
13. Don’t end a friendship just because
someone is no longer at the church (this is the most important thing I have
learned).
14. Sing in the choir at least once.
15. Serve communion as often as possible.
16. Communion by intinction is the best.
17. The offering does not need to be a part
of the service. Personally I don’t like it as part of the service.
18. Dogs should be allowed to go to church.
19. Beanbag chairs make everything better.
20. The church is not confined to the four
walls of the sanctuary.
This isn’t
everything I have learned and I know that I will learn a lot more, but for now
this is where I am.
I believe that
Jesus calls us to challenge the status quo because if we instinctively have a
problem with something there is probably something wrong. I believe that as
part of the God movement we are called to bring hope to the world. I believe
that as part of the God movement we are called to speak for the voiceless.
I believe in
Harry Potter quotes.
1.
“We’ve
all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to
act on. That’s who we really are.” Sirius Black
2.
“It
matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.” Dumbledore
3.
“Dark
and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is
what and what is east.” Dumbledore
4.
“It’s
our choices, Harry, that show is who we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
Dumbledore
I believe in what
Rev. Martin Luther King said:
1.
“Nonviolence
means avoiding not only external physical violence, but also internal violence
of spirit. You not only refuse to shot a man, but you refuse to hate him.”
2.
“The ultimate measure of a man is
not where he stands in times of comfort, but where he stands at time of
challenge and controversy.”
That is what I
believe. You might not agree with me and that is great. In fact I would be
concerned if you agreed with me 100%. What matters, all that ever has mattered,
and all that will ever matter, is this; “Perfect love casts out fear.”
go in PEACE. live PEACE. be PEACE.
*please pardon the format. i don't get it either.*
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Alive!
I came across this on Facebook today. I don't normally talk about my struggle with Endometriosis but I think that this really sums up some of my days. Read the letter (if you want) and then I wrote a little something after it about finding God in my struggle.
"A LETTER TO THE HEALTHY WORLD FROM THE LAND OF CHRONIC PAIN AND FATIGUE
If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me, but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ENDOMETRIOSIS
~ Endometriosis is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't even new.
~ The many physical and emotional problems associated with Endometriosis are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disease. In fact, the American Medical Association recognizes Endometriosis as a major cause of disability.
~ Diseases like Endometriosis strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME
~ My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation and sometimes it is. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me or sometimes it will. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my abdomen, but tomorrow it may be in my back, stomach or be gone. It is not well understood, but it is real.
~ My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my body beyond it's capability.
~ My immune system - My body is constantly fighting the Endometriosis, which means it is less equipped to deal with simple things, like the common cold. Because of this, I catch every virus that I come into contact with, and while it may have just been a stuffy nose to you, I will likely become very ill. Colds & flu take months for me to recover from, instead of days or weeks that it takes someone like you.
~ My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it. I may get motion sick, or lightheaded in cars or in large groups of people. I cannot tolerate drastic changes to my environment. No, I am not a 'drama queen'. I would give anything to not to be so affected by these things that others see as trivial.
~ My mood swings - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from Endometriosis as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.
~ My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I am not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.
~ My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue and a disease with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.
~ My uniqueness (i edited this from the original letter. this is truly my uniqueness) - Even those who suffer from Endometriosis are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. My legs and my lower back hurt everyday. There are days that my toes hurt. There are days when I wake up and I'm fine and then after sitting in class for an hour I can barely move. There are days that I cannot get out of bed. Right now at 7:44 PM on Sunday Dec 2nd my legs are killing me, I am befriending a bottle of extra strength tums, and all I want to do is sleep but I can't because I have a speech to write and a history final to study for."
I was diagnosed in June of 2011. I don't tell people that I am sick because they don't understand it. I don't tell people that I am sick because I have a fear of being treated like a child who needs help doing everything. The truth is I am a fighter. I always have been and I always will be. I woke up today and the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed, but I did. I got out of bed, I went to church, and I went to a Christmas party. I smiled through the pain. I held back the tears (at least until I was in the car). Tomorrow I will get up and go to class. Tuesday I will get up and take a history final. Everyday I WILL get out of bed. Every morning when my feet hit the floor I thank God. I thank God for having legs because even though they hurt I have two legs. I thank God for my messed up G.I system because needing tums means that I am lucky enough to have food. Endo is not a curse. Endo is not a death sentence. I might have Stage II Endometriosis but Stage II Endometriosis does NOT have me. I plan on taking my Endo to seminary with me and I plan on taking it to my ordination. I thank God each day I take my Endo somewhere because it means that I am ALIVE. "I'm trading my sickness/I'm trading my pain/I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord" (Trading My Sorrows)
go in PEACE. live PEACE. be PEACE.
"A LETTER TO THE HEALTHY WORLD FROM THE LAND OF CHRONIC PAIN AND FATIGUE
If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me, but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ENDOMETRIOSIS
~ Endometriosis is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't even new.
~ The many physical and emotional problems associated with Endometriosis are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disease. In fact, the American Medical Association recognizes Endometriosis as a major cause of disability.
~ Diseases like Endometriosis strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME
~ My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation and sometimes it is. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me or sometimes it will. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my abdomen, but tomorrow it may be in my back, stomach or be gone. It is not well understood, but it is real.
~ My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my body beyond it's capability.
~ My immune system - My body is constantly fighting the Endometriosis, which means it is less equipped to deal with simple things, like the common cold. Because of this, I catch every virus that I come into contact with, and while it may have just been a stuffy nose to you, I will likely become very ill. Colds & flu take months for me to recover from, instead of days or weeks that it takes someone like you.
~ My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it. I may get motion sick, or lightheaded in cars or in large groups of people. I cannot tolerate drastic changes to my environment. No, I am not a 'drama queen'. I would give anything to not to be so affected by these things that others see as trivial.
~ My mood swings - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from Endometriosis as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.
~ My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I am not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.
~ My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue and a disease with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.
~ My uniqueness (i edited this from the original letter. this is truly my uniqueness) - Even those who suffer from Endometriosis are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. My legs and my lower back hurt everyday. There are days that my toes hurt. There are days when I wake up and I'm fine and then after sitting in class for an hour I can barely move. There are days that I cannot get out of bed. Right now at 7:44 PM on Sunday Dec 2nd my legs are killing me, I am befriending a bottle of extra strength tums, and all I want to do is sleep but I can't because I have a speech to write and a history final to study for."
I was diagnosed in June of 2011. I don't tell people that I am sick because they don't understand it. I don't tell people that I am sick because I have a fear of being treated like a child who needs help doing everything. The truth is I am a fighter. I always have been and I always will be. I woke up today and the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed, but I did. I got out of bed, I went to church, and I went to a Christmas party. I smiled through the pain. I held back the tears (at least until I was in the car). Tomorrow I will get up and go to class. Tuesday I will get up and take a history final. Everyday I WILL get out of bed. Every morning when my feet hit the floor I thank God. I thank God for having legs because even though they hurt I have two legs. I thank God for my messed up G.I system because needing tums means that I am lucky enough to have food. Endo is not a curse. Endo is not a death sentence. I might have Stage II Endometriosis but Stage II Endometriosis does NOT have me. I plan on taking my Endo to seminary with me and I plan on taking it to my ordination. I thank God each day I take my Endo somewhere because it means that I am ALIVE. "I'm trading my sickness/I'm trading my pain/I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord" (Trading My Sorrows)
go in PEACE. live PEACE. be PEACE.
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